Sunday, February 20, 2005

Conspiracy and Competition

God's "conspiracy" is one that I wonder about, in its work in our lives.
Lost in a soccer game today and was left semi-pouting with a few friends, pretending to be a good sport, being dragged around by my heart, replaying things in my head, wanting to be the god of my indoor league. Pathetic, its a little kingdom, and where I don't even possess it fully I can imagine doing so, one minute I am a monster... and the next day I can't remember the "why" in all the concern. That land where my hand does all I want doesn't exist, so I go mad.

A song goes, "We are gods, we are small"... aaaaaamen.
I'm not the only one, imagining an attractive scene where I am at the top of my game... the best. At it I wonder, "Is competition evil?" All these bad feelings, the coulda shoulda wouldas, the rapturous thoughts of last minute saves... If this evil is only a twisted good, then what was the good?

When I remember to play my part, "Man in Pub with Stine" perhaps, I frame my glorious play differently. I am simply one more "keeper" in a rec league, on the field to have fun. Match my godhood against the others, come out ahead or behind. My big head pops. The Beautiful Letdown, someone once called it... the discipline of struggle is a good thing learned. When I look at my role in the story, and I play my part with too much sincerity, I get a little silly and God's patience laughs and stretches. I didn't spill my stine and ruin the scene, as I'm sure I could have. The good of it all is the joy of play, we grownups make it filthy, its meant to be light. And so repenting I am made perhaps a little more fit for paradise.
Laughing in the end... I'm suprised by joy.

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