Call to Prayer

If you would like to be in prayer for CCC, here is what we are asking God for at CCC.  This is copied from our Call to Prayer handout.

opening passages:
Psalm 37:1-7

¹Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers! ²For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb. ³Trust in the LORD, and do good; dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness. ⁴Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. ⁵Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act. ⁶He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. ⁷Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices!

Mark 8:27-35

²⁷And Jesus went on with his disciples to the villages of Caesarea Philippi. And on the way he asked his disciples, "Who do people say that I am?" ²⁸And they told him, "John the Baptist; and others say, Elijah; and others, one of the prophets." ²⁹And he asked them, "But who do you say that I am?" Peter answered him, "You are the Christ." ³⁰And he strictly charged them to tell no one about him. ³¹And he began to teach them that the Son of Man must suffer many things and be rejected by the elders and the chief priests and the scribes and be killed, and after three days rise again. ³²And he said this plainly. And Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. ³³But turning and seeing his disciples, he rebuked Peter and said, "Get behind me, Satan! For you are not setting your mind on the things of God, but on the things of man." ³⁴And he called to him the crowd with his disciples and said to them, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. ³⁵For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake and the gospel's will save it."

John 15:4-5

"⁴Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me. ⁵I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing."

1 Cornithians 1:18-20

"¹⁸For the word of the cross is folly to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. ¹⁹For it is written, "I will destroy the wisdom of the wise, and the discernment of the discerning I will thwart." ²⁰Where is the one who is wise? Where is the scribe? Where is the debater of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world?"


Prayer Points
Pray for humility in your own heart for repentance.  To be drawn deeper into Jesus.
Pray 1 Cor 1:17-21, 2:5 for yourself, our leaders and congregation - "that your faith might not rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God."

Pray Psalm 118:18 "Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law."
Pray Psalm 133:1 "...when the brothers dwell in unity".  Ask God to show you where to repent and act for the good of CCC.  Ask for the grace of God on our congregation for deep loving unity and warmth of fellowship.

Pray that we would share our faith with one another regularly (Philemon 6).
Pray for the next man to be called as the Lead Pastor of CCC.
Pray for special grace and protection over our leaders and their families (Eph. 6:12-13). 

Gospel-Centered

Everything in existence has a reference point in terms of its relatedness to God. Sin has caused all creation to be out of proper relationship with God’s character and being. As sinful beings we are out of relationship – “separated from God”. Sin causes death. We're all sinners, and we'll all eventually die.
Jesus wasn't a sinner, but he died, and in his death he conquered sin. Death couldn't hold him down, and to prove it, he rose from the grave.

In like manner, one of the most important implications of the gospel is that it restores us in relation to God. In believing the gospel, we are brought to new life in Jesus, to the end that in him we would conquer sin and death, and be restored to God as Jesus was. By God’s design, that restoration to God has manifold implications for our lives - spiritual, physical, emotional, financial, relational, mental and social implications. These implications are seen as parallels of the story of the gospel, played out “in like manner” of the gospel in everyday life. In each of these areas the gospel motivates and models for us redemptive thought and action.

“The Scriptures provide many examples of this gospel (-centered) living. In Gal 2:14 Paul rebukes Peter for conduct that was “not in line with the truth of the Gospel” and in Phil 1:27 he urges believers to “conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel.” In other words, one of the ways the gospel must function is by informing specific behaviors. Thus, we should read our Bibles with an eye toward detecting these connections. So, for example, when Paul appeals to the Corinthians to “flee from sexual immorality” he explicitly bases his appeal on the gospel—“you are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body” (1Cor 6:18-20). When he urges forgiveness he explicitly references the gospel as both motivation and model (Eph 4:32). When he tells husbands to love their wives he does so by linking his exhortation directly to the gospel (Eph 5:25). When he calls the Corinthians to an ongoing generosity he explicitly reminds them of God’s generosity in the gospel (2Cor 8:7,9; 9:12-13, 15).”1

Being “gospel-centered” means that as we live our lives out in the times and places God has appointed, we work to reconcile all things to God, by the gospel (Col 1:20). To do this, we maintain a holistic focus for living which seeks to shape and transform all life, conduct and ministry with the news, meaning and implications of the gospel.

1 “Gospel Implications”, Mike Bullmore http://www.alliancenet.org/CC/article/0,,PTID314526|CHID598016|CIID2168232,00.html

Missional Leadership

Modern church leadership has drawn deeply from the structures and methods of the business world.  While many of the leaders employing these methods do not typically embody a hierarchical attitude, the “CEO” or “top down” structures in churches place pressure on leaders to use power and authority in a worldly manner in order to “draw a crowd” and “get things done”.

The temptation in this approach is to mistake the execution of well-run programs, the gathering of large groups of people into events, and the swelling of budgets and specialization of staff in disparate programs as success.  This attractional mindset - that widespread participation in various programs of the church produces transformation – has been tested, found wanting, and yet prevails even in churches much larger than our own^1,2.

If it is assumed that our leadership structures are effective, we will naturally measure “attraction” (participation) in and assume that equates to transformation.  Indeed, the bible mostly refers to such phenomena pejoratively^{3,4,5, 6} .

Biblically, groups and individuals transformed by the gospel constitute success.  The mission of the church is to make disciples of Jesus who have been taught to observe his commandments.  Missional leadership methods prioritize and value the missionary nature of the church over contemporary attractional programs & methodology.

Missional versus traditional Attractional Churches* 
(Missional / Attractional) :
(“Go out” mentality  / “Come In” mentality);
(Emphasis on transformation & action / Emphasis on words & information);
(“Community” formation focused / “Event” formation focused);
(Environmentally sensitive / Environmentally indifferent);
(Everything is mission-oriented / Missions one among many programs);
(Values driven / Methodology & Program driven);
(Thinking holistically / Emphasis on disparate programs);
(“Diachronic” reading of the bible / “Synchronic” reading of the bible);
(More organic, grassroots - bottom up / More business structured, top down);
(Typically smaller churches / Frequently large churches);
(Small budgets, fewer paid staff / Large budgets, many paid staff);
(Priesthood of all believers / Clear demarcation between pastors/laity);
(Younger congregations / Older, baby-boomer congregations)
 *adapted from Biola Magazine “The Church in a Missional Age”, Spring 2009

1.       Willow Creek Community Church conducted a multiple-year qualitative study of its ministry.  Please watch the 13 minute video of the findings by Greg Hawkins, Executive Pastor of Willow Creek Community Church at  http://revealnow.com/story.asp?storyid=48  
2.       An article covering Willow Creek’s changes to their “attractional model” http://www.reformationtheology.com/2008/04/greg_hawkins_tells_about_the_b.php 
3.       Matthew 15:3, 8-9.    
4.    Colossians 2:8.   
5.    Luke 11:42-43.  
6.    Matthew 6:5

Missional Communities

The term “missional”1 is a ministry buzzword that is currently used to describe all manner of vision and mission fulfillment in all sorts of churches and denominations. In my meaning of the term, and originally, “missional” is an adjective which describes the host of values, priorities, emphases and resultant strategies that come from embracing a “missionary approach” to all of ordinary life and ministry.

Historically, CCC has used the word “missionary” to define vocational ministry workers who travel internationally or out of the area into a mission “field”. The thought that some people are “Christians”, and others are “missionaries” who are special Christians that do the work of the ministry – reinforces an unbiblical dichotomy that has done major damage to the identity of the local church in America. We need to recover the biblical picture that CCC’s “mission fields” are the homes, relationships, businesses and neighborhoods in which our members live together. The gatherings of these “missionary groups” involve many different ordinary life activities and require the sharing of life that challenges the individualistic idols of our culture.

The typical “small group” or “growth group” in a church largely gains its identity from a regular weeknight gathering whose primary purpose is to study the bible or some other book, to pray for each other, and “fellowship”. Membership in such a group is largely a matter of regular attendance.

A missional community is a gospel-centered group of Christians who band together to fulfill the disciple-making mission of the church in their area (Matt 28:18-20). While bible study does take place in these fellowships, the primary identity of these groups lies in a shared commitment to cultivate and maintain a “missionary mindset” as they reach their neighbors and live in community with one another.  This is done through sharing the common rhythms of ordinary life with gospel-shaped intentions.  In these groups we take the regular stuff of life - eating, serving/blessing, celebrations, work, listening, rest, recreation - and seek to demonstrate the truth and beauty of the gospel through these things to one another and to non-believers.

1. The first missiologist using the term "missional" in its modern understanding was Francis DuBose in his book, "God Who Sends" (Broadman Press, 1983). By the 1990's the term began to appear more and more in such books as "Missional Church: A Vision for the Sending of the Church in North America" (Edited by Darrell L. Guder) and the works of Lesslie Newbigin.

The Gospel

 “What is the gospel?” is a hot-topic issue within some segments of the evangelical church.  Over the last 8 years, the question has increasingly become the subject of now countless sermons, articles, conference messages, debates and books.  A Google search of “What is the gospel?” returns a list of 47,500,000 websites.  In this past year, I have personally sat under the teaching of first-rank conservative evangelical theologians who saw fit to use their time to bring clarity to this question.  “What is the gospel” is creating no small stir in America as pastors and ministry leaders struggle to reach people while clearly communicating the message that “there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved” (Acts 4:12).
  

Some have lamented the ineffectiveness of today’s church (especially compared to the book of Acts!) and concluded that an adjustment of their message is the order of our day.  This is not, however a sign of our times.  Paul wrote to the Galatian church and saw the need to immediately address this issue in their fellowship, “I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting him who called you in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel… there are some who trouble you and want to distort the gospel of Christ”.  The temptation to change the message of the church comes anew to each generation.  Indeed, even Paul maintained “gospel-habits” to keep himself centered on the message of Grace (1 Cor. 15:31).  The need for clarity on the question, “What is the gospel?” is as old as the Church itself. 

Gospel:  The news and meaning of the life, substitutionary death and resurrection of Jesus.

The gospel is a clear & very specific message.  Popular misunderstandings of the gospel mistake the message of grace for “instruction” on how to live morally in order to maintain God’s blessing.  Others distort the message of grace into a license to pursue our own appetites and seek the fulfillment of our will.

 In ministry, confusion about the gospel also arises from a lack of clarity between the gospel message itself and the various presentations of the doctrines of the gospel in scripture.  When this informs the study of scripture, the text is most often broken down for analysis into various disparate subjects.  So, the subjects of worship, faith, prayer, serving the needy, marriage, preaching, missions, fellowship, evangelism, eating, discipleship, and even the subject of “the bible” itself, are beheld as distinct subjects.  They are vaguely related as “things of God”, connected primarily through their proximity in the bible.

For contrast, the doctrines of the gospel are; the incarnation (life), atonement (death), and eschatology (resurrection - new life unto the restoration of all things, Col 1:20) of Jesus.  We see these doctrines presented explicitly and thematically throughout the entire bible.  The meaning and implications of the incarnation, atonement and resurrection are the “subjects” which generate the writings of the entire New Testament.  The news and meaning of the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus – the gospel – informs every word and theme in the bible. 

The Shack

You would make fun of me if I you knew how slowly I read.

I've taken to reading more fiction lately and I'm learning to read a little more quickly. Tom Clancy is really fun. I wanna be like Jack Ryan sometimes…

So, I haven't made it to reading the Shack yet.

But in reading about the shack, and its being so popular that I haven't even had to read it myself because I've had others read it to me (thanks Joel), this is the best take I've seen on how to handle its good points and bad points together.

http://trevinwax.com/2009/09/03/some-thoughts-on-the-shack/

what happened...

Two thousand years ago, God wrote himself into human history in the person of Jesus of Nazareth.
He lived a perfect life, yet many people did not recognize him. He was killed by those people.
Three days after his murder, he rose from the dead.

Sin causes death. We're all sinners, and we'll all eventually die. Jesus wasn't a sinner, but he died and then conquered sin. It couldn't hold him down.

We can't interact with God the way we were meant to because of our sin.
Through trust in Jesus' death as the substitute for our sin and impending death, we are connected anew to God and spiritually salvaged from death itself.
This new relationship with God so radically changes everything, its as if you were born all over again and sin can't hold you down. Its a brand new way to live.

Now, imagine that... and hold, keep and maintain that vision in your mind and heart. Trust the beauty and truth of what happened two thousand years ago, follow Jesus, trust him alone to save you, and walk with him in new life.

Men Like Trees Walking

Last night I taught through one of my favorite chapters in the bible.

That sounds weird - a favorite chapter?

You better believe it, just act like you know… this is really cool.

See, the people who wrote books of the bible didn't fall into a trance and pull a "Stairway to Heaven" and mysteriously produce a bunch of stories.

Things are written in the order that they are, to make a point.

So Mark 8; One bread miracle, next to an account of an argument with religious jerks, next to an illustration about multiple forms of "yeast", next to a weird halfway-then-all-the-way-healing of blindness, next to a confession from Peter that Jesus is the Messiah, next to that Messiah referring to Peter as Satan because of his bad yeast.

This whole chapter shines light on God's provision and Jesus identity, the sin of legalism and how it misses that identity, how the disciples can be so blind as to miss the truth and meaning of Jesus identity, next to an illustrative healing of how receiving "sight" itself works, to Peter's correct "sighting", to Peter's blindness to the implications of his newfound sight… to Jesus correcting Peter sight (for a "second time") by telling him that the coming kingdom and following Him involves bearing a cross…

Playing around in Genesis… true parables.

So, I'm thinking about stories.

Not fake stories, but real stories, that really happened. Real, stories, with real meaning.

Stories - that have nothing to do with postmortem-postmodern ideas of seeing-through-everything-so-as-to-see-nothing-and-so-we-make-stories-say-whatever-we-want… kind of stuff.

I want to GRASP the meaning of a story, as it really is meant to be taken and seen. So, as to see, what is supposed to be seen, through it.

A parable is a story with a point. Jesus used them all the time to tell the truth. His parables seemed to be untrue stories, with a true truth behind it.

But we're never actually told whether the stories he told we're true. The truth they pointed to was true, but we all readily accept that the story was just a story.

But if a parable that Jesus told, was a story that really happened - that actually happened – AND pointed to something else that was true, that would have to be okay too.

So, Genesis 45:20 has a story of a King who tells those who are about to receive from his hand and grace "Have no concern for your goods, for the best of all the land of Egypt is yours." What does this point to as a – true parable?

So, if something really happens, can it still be a parable?

The bible screams, yes.

Afraid to Dance?

Several times in my life I have overcome my own dignity, and danced.
"Dance like nobody is watching", I've heard. The invitation to hear and respond, to be silly, and expressive, and to be transparent... all for the fun of it.
Pure joy is offered to all who get over themselves.
Does this remind anyone of the Story?

lesser things

There comes a certain point in... i dunno... life, where we begin to think big thoughts about why we think we're here.

Am I supposed to just carry on in the same direction as most people?
Do well in school, get into a good college?
What is going to make me happy?
Rock in college and get a good job?
Will money keep me comfortable?
Long term goal
Buy a house in the burbs, settle down, make more than my parents?
All our ears have heard “mo’ money, mo’ problems”.
Keep up with the Joneses?
Love the world and the things in the world and seek my satisfaction in them?
Jesus talked, seek first the kingdom of "God and his righteousness", and all these things will be added to you.
Is Jesus just being harsh here?
The knuckleheads say this because he doesn’t know how good life can be?
Is this hard to believe?
Hard to follow?
Is it even possible to get in step with this today?
Do we know anyone who lives like this?

We are the most entertained generation that has ever existed.
Twenty years ago, it was the 45 year olds that burned out on self-absorption and entertainment and make one-last-gasp-splurge (they used to call it a midlife crisis?)
Now it’s the 15 year old that is jaded and done with “more of the same”...
At what point do we begin to change the script?
Too easily pleased with lesser things?

gospel-conversation-izing

So, I ran into this series of clips posted by the Gospel Coalition peeps (http://theologica.blogspot.com/2008/10/conversation-tim-keller-john-piper-da.html)

After peeking over these guys shoulder into a conversation I’d die to be a part of, I get all stirred up, and then sometimes its hard to end well. I find that sometimes I can pursue the ends of these thoughts as if the goal were justification by right thinking or good sorting. As if, the intellectual work of having a deeper grasp of the gospel is something other than existentially beholding Christ and being fundamentally changed by the breathtaking sight.

Perhaps someone close enough to these gentlemen can suggest a panel discussion that gives an exploded view of the last part (5 & 6 of 6) specifically. Many of us who were ambushed by Keller in May of 2006 at Resurgence are still trying to reconcile the missional and practical ecclesiological implications of gospel-centeredness like Keller and the Glory-centeredness of Piper. This has created dichotomous discussions regarding rhetorical priorities that pit the subject of the gospel against the subject of glory of God. The difficulty comes in that the accompanying errors which Piper and Keller confessed they are prone to don't tell us how to go past this. In the same way that Edwards contrasted common and true virtue, is there a difference between common glory and true glory? Can God’s glory really be known apart from the gospel? Does the fact that God glories even in my futility apart from him escape the scope of the gospel? All this, much less how to begin to address (as Carson came oh-so-close to) how to preach the gospel twice a week to a backslidden high schooler.

biblical excitement

So, when people you greatly greatly respect start getting all excited together about a study bible, it just makes you wonder. Piper, Grudem, Packer, Carson, Driscoll, Dever, Mahaney, Harris, such unqualified praise... wow
ESV Study Bible is coming...

believing the news?

Do I understand the news? This isn’t just some fancy PoMo way of talking about the gospel. It truly gives an image that carries the idea… Do you know what this news means? Do you believe the news?
Either I get the news about Jesus, or I don’t. Sadly, if I say “I kinda get it” and remain indifferent to it, I don’t get it at all.
Seeing the GFA announcements about Orissa, India and now even in Karnataka (another state) makes me both humbled and fired up. I actually stopped my afternoon and began praying, really praying. Praying like I believed.
Praying for people I would call brothers and sisters keeps my heart grounded… I am so stinking comfortable here, with 4 different bible versions sitting on my desk… my brother in India was forced by Hindu extremists to burn his own bible to ashes. My heart begins to plead, why am I here and not there? Why do I have this many copies of the Word and others, who would devour theirs, lose their only copy? Why am I so comfortable, so soft to sin, so hard hearted? What if our entertainment news in the evening went like this…

http://www.gfa.org/orissa-video

There are plenty of people railing against American Christianity, as some kind of sick hybrid between the American Dream and the teachings of the bible. I feel acceptable when I don’t break the rules, as if the gospel is about me, and making me a better American… I ran into a woman the other day who actually talked like her Father in Heaven was real… Like the kingdom of God was a spiritual beachhead actually established, really created, by the gospel. She walks around and talks like Somebody is listening. If our Creator is there, it makes more sense to talk to Him, than not.

The part of me that thinks she is weird is the same part that doesn’t believe.

Sometimes I start to think that my heart doesn’t want to understand the news… check Luke 24:25 “And he said to them, "O foolish ones, and slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken!” That’s me more than I wish…

Our brothers and sisters in India - who get told to deny Christ or lose all they own – they understand the news like I wish I did…

Sigh… Lord. I believe, help my unbelief, even so, Come Lord Jesus….

PS 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!"

The Story of Isaac, part 6

But a broken heart is a strange thing. See, grace truly is what we pretty much think it is, and then something large goes down, and then grace becomes something more... and what we knew is still the same truth, but different too.

So, when Isaac almost dies right in front of me, Chris and I, we find ourselves in the shelter of the Kingdom of God. Four touch-and-go days later, we get a report. His blood oxygen levels have unexpectedly stabilized at day one levels. And we get to stare a doctor in the eye and ask him for an explanation we know he can't give... Imagine beholding the glory of God in the stuttering of a UCSD research physician. God brought healing supernaturally. Hard time. Rad.

We stand on the edge of summer. One that would be filled with constant fluctuations, monitoring, lung function, tests, brain scans, heart tests, muscle therapy. When a baby is too immature to digest food, then what? Well, see, you pray. And the nurses, they feed one drop at a time hoping that a little something in the GI tract will lightly stimulate absorption.

It gets scary when we learn about gut-death. Turns out, too much food in a non-working stomach can kill preemie stomach tissue. Its like trying to make his organs do something theyre not ready for on a circulatory-system-infrastructure built for tissue development, the tissue runs out of oxygen if you ask it to digest anything it dies. Gotta remember, he wasnt planning on digesting anything for another three months.

Something a nurse told me on day one. Provided he makes it through the summer, the progress will always be two steps forward, and one step back.

Miracle after miracle, the summer will go on. Big, huge celebration, when he can finally keep a few milliliters of milk down. Big step for a courageous little man. Boris the nurse, our favorite Russian of the NICU, gives him the nickname Bugs as while sleeping he is snoog-asa-books-ina-rook (read: snug-as-a-bug-in-a-rug). The next milestone is just ahead, looking for a kind of weight-gain inertia. Snowball growth. Bigger makes stronger which makes healthier, which makes bigger and stronger Parades and confetti and all, comes when his little frame hits the 1000 gram mark. 2.2 pounds.

The Story of Isaac, part 5

Three nights sleeping on a lobby floor.

Chris BP eventually stops spiking. So she gets her own room. Tennis is on the t.v. The nurse makes her turn it off. Every serve causes her BP to jump.

Prayer.

Its easy to pray in these times. Grace is, there's no words, overwhelming? You literally burn it as fuel for existence. I cant spend the night in the room, and so sleep again in the lobby. The night staff realizes that visiting hours mean nothing. Recovering from a c-section is harder than I thought, but in hindsight, it makes sense. You try even sitting up in bed, after getting sawn in half, and having a baby cut out of your stomach. Chris gets her first shower, refreshing. They remove the drain from her side and stitch the holes closed. Shes a rockstar. Its Sunday, were scheduled for discharge tomorrow morning. They're telling us were leaving the hospital, and Chris has yet to see her baby.

Prayer chain update: Isaac is stable. Chris is coming home Monday. Specifics: Pray for Isaacs recovery, that his lungs would fully recover and that there is no brain damage from the hemorrhage. Pray for Chris recovery from c-section and for her insulin levels to return to normal and for her BP to continue to drop.

Last Tuesday we were driving along the coast. Its Monday morning, and we stop by for Chris first visit to Isaac nerves. Theres that thing inside us that runs from uncertainty and newness when you arent sure what youre going to encounter. She pushes through it, and in this case the rewards are huge when this scene comes on so strong, we experience the presence of Jesus himself. Let me tell you, it hits so hard, your heart is a non-issue, it doesnt stand a chance, it just breaks.

The Story of Isaac, part 4

Friday May 28^th, 2004.

Neo-Natal Intensive Care Unit. NICU. Its pronounced Nick-u.

The hours that Chris is asleep are spent watching over Isaac. Meeting cheerful nurses, consulting with doctors, trying to witness to our social worker. The family sees Isaac. I run out of clothes and begin to get fragrant. UCSD Hillcrest is about 35 minutes from our home God is truly our Great Physician. Hes given me everything I need to keep it together for the last 4 days. Moment by moment I'm sustained as needed, composure sometimes, other times, tears.

On the trip home I lose it so bad I almost crash my car.

The visitors begin.

Mrs. Bentley and I walk into the lobby and I run her through the prep that Ive now gone through several dozen times name, date, relationship to patient, sticker, scrubdown. But this time I learn the hard way, one more question of the lobby nurses needs be regular, Is Isaac Harrell undergoing any procedures at this time?

We roll into the NICU and wander over to Isaacs spot in the room. His monitor bells explode - beep, beep, bongbongbong! Several doctors and a nurse run to his bed. A nurse puts her hand in my chest and suggests we come back later.

As we walk out I see a tube forced down his throat, they begin breathing for him by pumping a bag on the end of the tube We leave, with confusion and, I'll never know why, no fear.

Chris is dignified as ever, and stubborn. Wont use a bedpan for her life. Her BP still wont steady so shes shipped to another floor for 24 hour direct-nurse care. She shares a room with a delusional man who keeps pleading for a drink of water, some poor chump who tried to off himself by drinking bleach, and later a moaning woman whose leg is destroyed car crash, so we talk about buying a Volvo.

Later, we find that Isaac hemorrhaged - his lungs filled with blood and collapsed. Several minutes without oxygen. These things happen when babies are born too early. The word comes, Hes touch and go for now. We caught him in his last minute. We wont know if his lungs are still okay for at least another week or two. We had to give him seven doses of surfactant after pumping the blood out of his lungs. We wont know about brain damage until August. Some babies that go through this, never recover - they never come back.

Isaac isnt even 24 hours old.

The Story of Isaac, part 3

Thursday May 27^th, 2004 continued...

Several cell phones are calling different churches, Prayer chains explode.

I am sent back to our delivery room. Only thing delivered there were ice chips and later on some bad jello. Friends had decorated the room with pineapples, dvds to watch on a computer, and about 25 handmade get-well cards from an elementary school class our friend teaches, innocent care is sweet. Half-hour later Chris is rolled into the room with a drain in her side, nurses in tow Shes asleep.

Grace.

Chris needs quiet. A doc pops in to invite me to come down and visit Isaac for the first time. He made it out of the O.R. They were able to stabilize him, making him one of the three-fourths who so pass the first test. Walk up to yet another door which Ive yet to pass through, Isaac is on the other side. Hit the bell, the door clicks and I'm allowed into a small white lobby with a windowed desk. More security than any bank Ive been in. Sign here, name, date, relationship to patient. Parent sticker, scrubdown, walk through the next door backwards so as to touch nothing... I know nothing of what I'm about to see. A nursery, full of horrifically sick babies, some only two or three pounds, monitor bells and wires and nurses everywhere. Isaac is stable, and weighs in at 675 grams... 1.5 lbs, hes one of the smallest there.

Emotions dont even register. Grace. Shock? Not yet. Just peace and grace. Tears? Not yet. Just awe. Our great physician is taking care of more than I realize. In the middle of this storm, I cannot see reality as it is, I later learn, I don't need to, but God's fingerprints are everywhere.

Surfactant. Its the stuff in soap that makes it slippery. Turns out its the stuff that keeps our lungs from drying out, sticking, and collapsing. Isaacs little frame wont make any for a while, so the docs give him some artificially while the nurses hold their breath.

Im told, You cannot touch him. His skin is too immature. Hes so small, I didn't even think to. A nurse explains, Hes too small Pressure gives rise to a thousand questions, more stats give little comfort... One doc sets the tone for me, If he makes it through the summer, hell likely have no less than 3 infections during his stay here, so its something to get used to now. At least he isnt screwing with my head, giving me hope and all. for an incubator, it would only get in the way... if something happens at this stage, they need to get to him quickly.

He wont be out of the woods until September. If were lucky, he might come home sometime in October. Next week he was supposed to begin the third trimester in the womb. Bones and skin, arms smaller than my fingers, hands smaller than my thumb

They say, The first 24 hours will be telling.

The Story of Isaac Part 2

Wedenesday May 26, 2004.
Morning arrives. New nurses. Little sleep.
Chris is hooked up to more wires than I can count. All the monitor bells and sensors, a BP cuff that goes off every 10 minutes - mightas well be alarm clocks. 24 hours of magnesium sulfate does strange things to a person - you can't drink a drop when you're on it, and it makes you hot and shivery at the same time.
Its a scary last resort, and her BP still spikes uncontrollably.

We've seen more friends and family in the last day than I can remember. The docs come by after lunch with more of "If we can't get her stable, we'll have to take the baby", and then later, "Its either you or the baby, and you're our first priority..."
At the end of the day, after too many needles and too many tears, comes the verdict, "We're gonna take the baby out tomorrow".


Thursday May 27, 2004.
We are over a week away from starting the third trimester, and we're scheduled for a 1p.m. c-section... Okay... I grab a social worker and punch every statistic I can out of her head. I learn, "Chris should be fine" - its not a stat, but a "should be" is better than worse, or nothing, at this point. At 14 weeks early, I hear, "1 out of 4 babies don't make it out of the delivery room." Of those who make it to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, "1 out of 4 don't make it home" and finally, of those who make it home, "80 percent are functionally normal".
I got an A in stats in school, for a moment I wish I hadn't.

Chris rocks. She is the most amazing woman I've ever seen. I am seeing perseverance and strength and unbelievable courage, things deep within my wife's character I had yet to know and see. I mean, she was rad before, and we've all teared up when she sings and all... but this is a whole different caliber of person before me. Swollen, tired, anxious, beautiful. I'm not worthy of such a wife. Watching this grace beget durability, fight, and even humor... We click with the anesthesiologist, Brian. Finally a doc with an appropriate synthesis of concern and humor. Chris, for the sake of her friends wonders aloud, "Is he single?" Refreshing, he's the "drug dealer" of the UCSD surgical ward. Given a patient's plight - if at all possible - I imagine most folks are happy to see him. Enduring what would've crushed me, she's making jokes. They roll Chris off to the operating room to begin c-section surgery prep and the epidural.
They hand me a bag of blue XL disposable scrubs. I'm a 6'2" smurf. Waiting, I feel a bit like the hour before our wedding ceremony less than a year ago. Those - at least they're familiar - butterflies, much excitement, some anxiety, knowing certainly, change is just around the corner.

A knock at the door, "They're ready Mr. Harrell", calls my escort. I am led into a blue room, tiled floor to ceiling. Chris is on her back, there's a curtain at her neck, separating her head from her body - presumably so she can't look down at what she can't feel, and shouldn't see anyways - making wisecracks at Brian and the other surgeons... anyone else would have fainted. Surgeons, needles, wires everywhere, rotary saws and drills I could use in the woodshop, nurses, monitor bells, oxygen masks... an unbelievable, indescribable 40 minutes later, Isaac Richard Chanco Harrell is born. He doesn't cry. He's passed on to his own team of specialists and is immediately gone, down the hall to the Neonatal ICU. Born a full 3 months early, "675 grams", someone reports... 1.5 lbs. "He looked good" someone says.
We never even see him go.

I watch the docs sew my wife back together, its almost surreal. They stitch her uterus back together and place it back inside her, then her muscles are reattached, then her skin is stapled shut. "Congratulations, we're all done", a surgeon calls to us... congrats? Her vitals slowly begin heading in the right direction within the hour.

Tuesday we were enjoying a ride down the coast. 48 hours later my wife has been cut in half, and Isaac is here. 3 months early, in a new ring, fighting a battle all his own.

The Story of Isaac, Part 1

My shoulder is wet.
I winced a few minutes ago, my finger was being chewed to bits.
A slobbery hand reaches out and grabs my nose, gack... smile... I'm suprised by joy.
"Thhhhhhhppppllllerrrrrfffffssssssh." In case you aren't in the know, that was Isaac-speak for, "I'm happy to meet you."

Tuesday May 25, 2004.
Lunchtime. Chris and I are "getting out", on a ride down the coast, headed to a doctor's appointment. She's been on bedrest for weeks now, I think to myself, "its good for her to see the sun and the waves". Her BP is high - and on the up, her sugars are low - insulin needles and snacks are the order for the trip. The doctor retakes the BP, immediately our afternoon shifts gears as we go from one Dr. Kelly to a different Dr. Kelly - one Scripps hospital to another - scaling the ranks of specialization... Perinatologist? You don't visit one unless things are headed downhill.
The adventure is on.

The sort of feeling, that dwarfs the nausea when our hack-nurse-in-training spills my wife's blood all over the floor trying to start a precautionary IV, arrives with the Perinatologist coming into the room with eyebrows raised, my heart skips a beat. We hear, "You aren't leaving the hospital without delivering the baby"... and I'm thinking "we've got over 3 months to go".

From Scripps to UCSD Hillcrest, our third hospital this afternoon. Frustration shades my eyes, I can't see what I should... God's fingerprints... positioning us for that which we cannot imagine. Watching Chris disappear in an ambulance gives anxiety a new face. But this third move is good they say, if she has any more complications, being at UCSD gives the baby a "fighting chance"... a fighting chance?
Needles, blood, my wife a prisoner in a hospital bed... this isn't how its supposed to go down. When preeclamptic swelling hides all the veins, the nurses gore her foot instead - checking for warning signs, constantly monitoring insulin levels among a million other things. Blood pressure though is the central issue, when it spikes she could have a stroke. Some nurses are wonderful, others seem heartless. If the magnesium sulfate doesn't stabilize her BP, there is only one other treatment that is certain to work, c-section. We'll wait for tomorrow, hoping things will calm down.